23 Jun 2006

Glad midsommar!

Skriver jattesnabbt for att onska alla en trevlig midsommar. Sjalva firar vi midsommar pa Lufthansas flyg mot Munchen. Darifran fortsatter vi imorgon mot Helsingfors. Ser verkligen fram emot att se alla dar hemma och att kunna vara ute innan kl. 21 (pga varmen har orkar man bara inte med nat pa dagarna. Termometern pa balkongen visar 45C...).
Nu galler det bara att fort rusa hem och fixa resten innan J. kommer hem fran jobbet & vi aker ut mot flygplatsen. Ha det sa bra allihopa!

22 Jun 2006

911 calls

AMAZING ... These are REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich. Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

And the winner is.........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.


19 Jun 2006

Fotboll & svettigt bara varre

Nu har t.o.m. jag kollat in en fotbollsmatch pa TV. Igar kollade vi pa Brasilien - Australien, for det var helt enkelt for varmt att vara ute eller gora nat mer anstrangande. Svetten bara rinner, trots att jag inte gor nat annat an sitter framfor datorn just nu. Puh! Bara hoppas att det ska borja aska & regna, sa att det lattar lite.
Borde egentligen parkera mej vid strykbradan och borja fundera pa vad vi ska ta med till Finland. Har ingen storre inspis, men det maste goras... Joda, jag har inspis att aka pa Suomi-loma, men ingen lust att packa.
Iiik! Jattestor spindel pa vaggen bakom datorn. I'm outta here!

14 Jun 2006

You know you've been in Finland too long, when...

Hittade foljande text pa Helsingin Sanomats hemsidor (www.hs.fi). Helt otroligt! Tyvarr stammer nog en del... Enjoy!

You Know You Have Been In Finland Too Long, When... This old chestnut has been doing the rounds of the Net for some time and in places it is showing its age. We have taken the liberty of adding a few glosses (for which we asked a furriner who's been here over 20 years and is therefore probably guilty of most of the behaviour being lampooned).

1. You rummage through your plastic bag collection to see which ones you should keep to take to the store and which can be sacrificed to garbage. Apparently the plastic bags - formerly free, now costing about EUR 0.10-0.15 - supplied by Finnish shopkeepers are vastly superior to those in other countries. It's probably something to do with the weight of bottles they need to be able to withstand. In bag-stretching competitions (don't laugh, the Finns have had dumber contests than that - most of these wacky competitions are all that the American media ever report about the place) they have allegedly outperformed most condoms currently on the market. In any event, sales of the small black plastic bin-bags (not the BIG ones that line dustbin/garbage cans, but the little ones for in-home use) are pretty poor, and everyone uses the plastic shopping bags as temporary storage for garbage till it gets chucked out. An alternative and less attractive theory is that Finns are too cheap to consider buying shopping bags. Take your pick.

2. When a stranger on the street smiles at you: a. you assume he is drunk b. he is insane c. he's an American Err... isn't he? This one is getting a bit dated, really. Nobody smiles at you on the street, but the reason is that they are too busy talking into a cellphone or downloading their e-mail from a PDA to recognize anything much more than a few feet of sidewalk immediately in front of their feet.

3. You don't think twice about putting the wet dishes away in the cupboard to dry. Ah. Well. Now, I could tell you that dishwashers seem much more common here than in Britain, and that the British habit - the poor devils often only have that one sink and the silly two taps - of not rinsing plates before they put them to dry makes me gag, but the secret to this one is that Finnish houses and apartments have excellent draining cupboards over the sink-unit, where the plates can dry off. No messing with a soggy tea-cloth to dry them. One great advantage of this is that the neighbours never give you "Souvenir of Where-we-went" tea-cloths as a gift for looking after their mail and newspapers, but something requiring a little more thought. When the plates are good and dry, you stack them in the cupboard where you keep them. Simple, really. But in our house, the chances are that the plates and eating-irons hit the table straight from the dishwasher anyway...

4. A friend asks about your holiday plans and you answer: "Oh, I'm going to Europe!" meaning any other Western European country outside Scandinavia. OK. Someone's got to be on the periphery...and we do tend to identify with the other Scandinavian countries, however much we bitch about their respective faults. In many ways, Finland is an island. This is best seen in the fact that numerous rock bands and other artists think twice before playing Helsinki, as they will have to cart 25 truckloads of equipment by sea from Sweden and back, thus adding two or three days to their schedule for just the one gig.

5. You see a student taking a front row seat and wonder "Who does he think he is!!??" I suppose this can only mean Finnish university students do not volunteer information for discussion at lectures. Many of them are probably asleep, and being young, have not yet perfected the technique employed by MPs, ministers and heads of state for appearing to be awake whilst dozing through meetings.

6. Silence is fun. The national characteristic of polite reserve, currently being remodelled as people talk energetically into their Nokias and run up huge phone bills on mobile internet or TV chat-channels. The old stereotype of "talkative as a Finn" is becoming endangered as the country grows increasingly urbanised and people have to communicate. On a related note, Midsummer, a very liquid festival held at or around the Summer Solstice, contains one element that proves Finns do have a voice. As the evening wears on, robust and inebriated males of the species engage in good-humoured shouting across lakes at one another, thus: "Pekkaaaaaa, Pekkaaaa", "Arskaaaaa, Arskaaa". The conversation does not usually get much further than bellowed first names, I'm afraid. In such cases, a bit of silence would be fun.

7. The reason you take the ferry to Stockholm or Tallinn is: a. duty free vodka b. duty free beer c. to party heartily...no need to get off the boat in Stockholm or Tallinn, just turn around and do it again on the way back to Finland. Finns are only mid-way up the European league table in terms of per capita alcohol consumption (6.7 litres per head of 100% alcohol a year, by comparison with the boozy sods in Luxemburg or France who drink nearly twice as much). However, the Finns are the Maurice Greens and Michael Johnsons of the drinking sport, rather than long-distance runners (which is a bit strange when you think about it, given our earlier glories at long-distance running). Alcohol is still viewed to some extent as a forbidden fruit; even after the recent reductions, it is still rather heavily taxed, and whilst the Alko stores are increasingly pleasant and well-stocked places to shop, the truth is still that wines and spirits are not as easily available as in Central Europe. Hence (at least this is my theory and I'm sticking to it) it pays to have a decent belt of the stuff and get some benefit, if it's costing so much and is hard to come by. Sipping is for wusses. In recent years, partly as a result of tax differentials on wine, Finns have moved from the grain and hops mentality in the direction of wine-drinking. At the same time, they have slipped closer towards a European attitude to drink - a couple of glasses on a weekday evening after work - without totally surrendering their proud national traditions of getting legless on Friday and Saturday nights and then going jogging the next morning to shake off the cobwebs. A great deal will change in May 2004, when Estonia joins the EU. This is the reason the government brought down booze prices in March, as it was thought prudent not to encourage people to import hundreds of litres of vodka as soon as the import restrictions were lifted. It remains to be seen how well this will work.

8. Your coffee consumption exceeds 6 cups a day and coffee is too weak if there is less than two spoonfuls per person. Hey...the coffee's damned good here. And we don't make a fetish out of it like the Americans have started to do. We just drink the stuff, and don't give it fancy foreign names and a huge price-tag. At least we don't drink that instant coffee muck. Note from 2004: We’ll have to climb down on this one a bit. Latte prices have got ridiculous, but Finns still tend to drink more coffee at home than in cafés.

9. You pass a grocery store and think: "Wow, it is open, I had better go in and buy something!" Opening hours have been pretty much deregulated, and most supermarkets are open till at least 8 or 9, shops no longer close infuriatingly at 2 on Saturdays, and they seem to be forever advertising Sunday opening in the papers. Sunday opening is common in the summer, and also in the run-up to Christmas. Kiosks are open till 21.00, petrol stations often later. This is a typically outdated claim about the country.

10. Your native language has seriously deteriorated, now you begin to "eat medicine", "open the television", "close the lights off", and tell someone: "you needn't to!". Expressions like "Don't panic" creep into your everyday language. Errr... Yeah. I guess.

11. You associate pea soup with Thursday. Several hundred years ago, when Finland was still a part of Sweden and taxes were levied for the King, money was scarce and peas were used for payment. However, since peas had hitherto mostly been used as pig food, something had to be done to raise their status. The population was thus encouraged to eat pea soup. Soldiers got a weekly portion of pea soup, sometimes strengthened with pig's trotters and the fatty parts of pork. After the meal the bones were used for magic. Thursday became pea soup day, since the Catholic religion proscribed meat on Fridays and people needed a solid dinner the day before. Over the centuries pea soup has acquired at least nine different names in Finnish; moreover it has also become a traditional Shrovetide food, before Lent. Today pea soup is also inseparably connected with the Finnish oven-baked dessert pancake.

12. Your idea of unforgivable behaviour now includes walking across the street when the light is red and there is no walk symbol, even though there are no cars in sight. After witnessing on television the horrific scenes filmed by a camera atop a downtown Helsinki building - in which unwary pedestrians doing the above were tossed into the air by passing cars, I can only say it's sensible behaviour to wait for the little green man. Your average city driver follows traffic lights, and usually stops for them, but tends to ignore pedestrians hovering at the sides of crossings. When there are no cars in sight, chances are the one just around the corner is making the most of the unusual lack of traffic and will hit you doing 60. It's not about independence of spirit - it's about staying in one piece.

13. Your notion of street life is reduced to the few teenagers hanging out in front of the railway station on Friday nights. Again... it's not quite that bad...there are lots of teenagers.

14. Sundays no longer seem dull with all the stores closed, and begin to feel restful instead. See #9. Also take a trip to IKEA on a Sunday if you want excitement. Mind you, take a book - something like "War and Peace" - for the lines to get into the parking lot and out past the check-out. The only really dull day is Christmas Day (since Christmas is celebrated the evening before), but you can read all those nice brick-like biographies of former politicians that people bought you.

15. You finally stop asking your class "Are there any questions?" A wise teacher will only ask this question seconds before the bell. This minimizes the awkward silence, and gives everyone a good feeling that they would have asked a question, but...

16. Your old habit of being "Fashionably late" is no longer acceptable. You are always on time. Nyah... some of us are.

17. Hugging is reserved for sexual foreplay. What's sexual foreplay?The Finns are not big in the body-language department. It's that "polite reserve" thing again. There have been dozens of earnest studies of the Finns' shortage of small-talk and touchy-feeliness. The upside of this shortage is that most Finns, gruff and bluff though they might be, are pretty honest. A lack of "daaahling" remarks and hand-kissing in the culture is matched by relatively little back-stabbing after you've gone.

18. You refuse to wear a hat, even in -30°C weather. As with eating quiche, real men don't wear hats. Crispy ears are a fashion statement. Seriously, however, anything below -10 tends to require long underwear and the regulation woolly hat or "pipo".

19. You hear loud-talking passengers on the train. You immediately assume: a. they are drunk b. they are Swedish-speaking c. they are Americans d. all of the above. Errrmmm... you always hear loud-talking passengers on trains these days. Just before they start to speak, you hear a loud peeping noise, probably vaguely reminiscent of Beethoven's "Ode to Joy", though with the more modern machines you can programme in your own ringing-tone, so it might be Black Sabbath or Lynyrd Skynyrd or – patriotically – Darude or The Rasmus. When they speak, they say things like: "I'm on the train", and "You are breaking up" (as the train enters a tunnel), and "What's for dinner, love?" and other valuable bits of communication. They are not drunk, nor Swedish, nor American, but Finns through and through. Besides, this whole statement sucks. If you travel on the New York subway or the London tube, it's not exactly the Tower of Babel there, either. It's only the tourists who are talking; everyone else is minding their own business, reading or doing the crossword. Only when the train stops unexpectedly for a suitable length of time do people start talking to their neighbours. Further empirical studies are needed on the number of minutes' stoppage that is required in different countries before I can buy this one.

20. You no longer look at sports pants as casual wear, but recognize them as almost formal wear. Almost??

21. You have undergone a transformation: a. you accept mustamakkara (Black blood sausage) as food b. you accept alcohol as food c. you accept. The sausage in question is found mostly in Tampere. Fortunately, it does not travel widely, as it has no known natural predators, and if it got loose it could destroy the digestive system of the entire country. As it remains in Tampere, nobody really cares.

22. You understand why the Finnish language has no future tense. No, I don't think I ever will understand that one... Finns are quite future-oriented at two particular times of the year. On the day after Midsummer (see above), they say "Well, it's all downhill from now on" and prepare feverishly for winter, and similarly after December 21st they perk up and start thinking about Midsummer - ignoring the fact that they still have to get through January, February and March before the place becomes inhabitable again...

23. You no longer have to search for the flushing mechanism. How dare you! Finnish toilets are the envy of the known world. The little bidet shower that you often get next to the loo ranks amongst the finest inventions of modern man - or woman - and its absence in countries such as the US is one more reason to be proud of our European heritage. The loss to the language of "Pull the chain" is a small price to pay for luxury commodes.

24. You no longer see any problem wearing white socks with loafers. Nope. And at EUR 2.00 for three pairs from the local Esso, they're a steal. Hey, you can even change them every week!

25. You just love Jaffa. This carbonated orange beverage is supposed to be the panacea for upset tummies. I find it spoils a perfectly decent gin.

26. You've come to expect Sunday morning sidewalk vomit dodging. The writer seems to have signally failed to grasp the cultural importance of this northern variant of hopscotch or "not walking on the lines", as made famous by A.A. Milne.

27. You know that "religious holiday" means "let's get pissed." I have long suspected this was the reason why so many religious holidays were moved from their correct mid-week position to the nearest Saturday. Now I know.

28. You enjoy salmiakki. Salmiakki is - hmm, how can I break this to you gently? - salmiakki is sal ammoniac, and according to Chambers Dictionary of Science and Technology (a venerable edition from 1974), it is: "chloride of ammonia, which crystallizes in the cubic system. It is found as a white encrustation around volcanoes, as at Etna and Vesuvius. It is used in chemical analysis, in medicine, in dry batteries, as a soldering flux, and in textile printing". Salmiakki is also the name given to a salty licorice candy containing this strange stuff, and is immensely popular among Finns, particularly when they are not in the country and therefore cannot get it. It even became a drinks fad almost as threatening to the nation as absinthe was to France, when mixed with vodka to make "salmiakkikossu". Along with hard rye crispbreads and other delicacies, it is a staple of web-sites advertising Finnish goods for the poor souls who are no longer resident here. I have also heard that salmiakki is a by-product of one of the nastier bits of the pulp and paper industry, but this myth, delightful though it may be, is probably no worse than the thought that Finns of all ages are stuffing themselves silly with something that might better be used in a dry cell battery. You will never know until you have tried it.

29. You know that "Gents" is another term for sidewalk. The City of Helsinki is somewhat concerned about two aspects of urban life at present, to wit the presence of "ladies of the night" in some districts, and the weakness of the Finnish bladder. A few years ago the old draconian rules about public alcohol consumption were relaxed, with the result that major street festivals - May Eve and the Helsinki Festival's "Night of the Arts" are two that come to mind - became very liquid indeed, to the point of public urination in places where people shouldn't. The city fathers have since then tried to curb both the hookers and the piss-artists, and the government introduced nationwide legislation on the subject of public drinking not so long ago. Even so, if you plan to be in Helsinki on May Eve, pack rubber boots.

30. You know that more than four channels means cable. Yes, mate, and I know the Springsteen song, too - "Fifty-seven channels and nothing on". Besides which, TV is yesterday's thing - nearly everybody is tuning in to the Net instead. Apart from English soccer and the hardcore porn that kicks in on a couple of channels after midnight, most of the cable stuff is re-runs anyway, and it doesn't come cheap. Digital TV is also coming in, which increases the choice for those without a satellite or cable connection.

31. When you're hungry you can peel a boiled potato like lightning. Many restaurants, even at the top end of the scale, still make a point of serving the boiled potatoes that are a part of the fish hors d'oeuvres table in their skins. This is not only in the summer, when new potatoes don't really have any skins to mention, but also in the winter months, when they do. I imagine it's a vitamins thing. Finns are very adept at removing the skins, having learnt the technique from birth. Other nationalities, unskilled in these niceties, look on in horror. "Let them eat French (Freedom) fries", say I.

32. You've become lactose intolerant. Milk is still drunk at the family dinner table, although beer, OJ, and even - gosh! - wine are making inroads on this custom.

33. You accept that 80°C in a sauna is chilly, but 20°C outside is freaking hot. A teeeensy bit over the top... In truth, anything under 80°C is "a warm room" or a Swedish sauna. Outside of these two places, sauna is generally unrecognizable anyway and not worth the bother. And to qualify the outside temperatures, 1997,1999 and 2003 were all vintage summers, and it was in the high 20s (that's over 80°F) for days and weeks on end. Nobody complained except the farmers, and they always complain anyway. Speaking personally, I think too much is made of the cold here. It's all people ever think about the place. I can assure you I've never been as cold as on an English school playing-field. It's not the cold that'll get you, it's the dark. November is for the real lovers of Finland. Anyone else with an ounce of sense gets out on October 31 and doesn't return until the Christmas lights go on. By the time the really chilly stuff hits, there's snow about and it seems lighter already. Houses are so well insulated that hypothermia is pretty much reserved for derelicts, but SAD ("seasonal affective disorder" - basically a lack of adequate sunlight) affects us all to some extent in the winter months.

34. You know how to fix herring in 105 different ways.

35. You eat herring in 105 ways. Well, actually most of us do far more than that...we knit socks from herring, scrub our backs with herring in the shower, use herring-eyes as shirt buttons, sculpt herring into dainty household ornaments, grind up herring scales for use as an aphrodisiac, and fill our cars with herring liver oil. At the current price of gasoline, you know it makes sense. Again, this is all a bit passé. Herring is no longer such a staple. For one thing, it is conspicuously more expensive than chicken, pound for pound, and it's a lot easier to order a pizza or Chinese. As Descartes said: "Cogito ergo dimsum" - I think, therefore I eat takeaway.

36. "No comment" becomes a conversation strategy. We've done this one... Politicians use "No comment" out of old habits, believing they'd better check with the Soviet Embassy before they say anything. They reserve comments for their biographies (see above).

37. You can't understand why people live anywhere but in Finland. Well, you can't really call it "living", now can you? I mean they just "eke out an existence" elsewhere. And one good thing about this place (touch wood) is that with the sole exception of the summer mosquitoes, we don't have many of the "Acts of God" that so often beset places that are warmer, more glamorous, and where the booze is cheap and plentiful. Which is nice.

Alberto var har

Det ar svalt (nastan 20C), gratt, blasigt & regnigt. Pa elva timmar har det regnat nastan 2 tum! Kan bara saga att det ser deprimerande ut. Horde igar att det hade varit nan varre varmebolja (28C) i Finland. Ser jattemycket fram emot att fa aka dit nasta vecka pa Suomi-loma. Borde borja fundera pa vad jag ska packa, annars ar risken stor att jag packar alltfor mycket... Hmm... Borde borja skriva min traditionella packningslista. (plats for skratt om sa onskas) Kompisarna har gor narr av mej pga den. Jag / vi ar okanda som de otroligt organiserade skandinavierna. Vada?!?

Om nagon undrar, sa ar det inte var bil... Rakade bara hitta det har exemplaret utanfor Northlake Mall. Kolla in dacken; 25 tum....

12 Jun 2006

Hurricane season

Jaha, sa snart borjar det da. Egentligen har det redan borjat. Den 1:a juni borjade "hurricane season" officiellt. Nu hukar sig Florida i vantan pa Alberto. Det borde inte ga nan nod pa oss har i Charlotte, men det kan vara varre ute vid kusten. Enligt nyheterna i morse borde Alberto na oss nan gang pa onsdag eller torsdag. Ska bli intressant att se vad som komma skall.
Den senaste veckan har vi "njutit" av 34C varje dag, forutom under veckoslutet da vi var uppe i nastan 37C... Det har varit sa klibbigt ute att man bara vill sitta inne. Pa kvallarna har vi sen haft maffiga askvader. Man kanner sig ganska liten nar man sitter ute pa balkongen och tittar pa en morkblalila himmel full med blixtar. Haftigt!
I'll keep you posted!

9 Jun 2006


Antligen fungerar Blogger igen! Skrev en blog igar, men den gick inte att publicera pga av nat slags tekniska problem.
I alla fall: forsenade grattisar pa fodlaren, mamma! Kortet ar pa vag & har kommer det lite blommor i annat format.
Nu over till det jag egentligen hade tankt beratta om. OK, som ni vet, amerikanerna ar ett underligt pack. Visst ni om att varlden skulle ga under i tisdags? Inte? Inte jag heller! Jag borde ju ha fattat att det var 666. Silly me! Har fanns stora juttun i tidningarna och pa TV om vad folk trodde att ska handa. En del stannade hemma med familjen, andra vagade inte resa, etc. Tok-tok! Hullut noi amerikkalaiset! Personligen firades 666 (na, det var nog annars bara) med att ata lunch med Leena & Maria pa On the Border i Providence. Tydligen var vi otroligt hedniska eller korkade. Nu ar det i alla fall bevisat: inget hande! Livet gar vidare....

6 Jun 2006

I'm in heaven???

Tankte pigga upp allas tillvaro med lite amerikansk humor... Enjoy!

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

1 Jun 2006

Alkoholens faror...

Min kompis Leena skickade mej dessa ytterst tankvarda visdomsord. Vart att fundera pa sa har nar vissa redan funderar pa det har med att fira midsommar...

The Value of a Drink
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish."~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "~ Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel a little smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Och sa sist och slutligen:

Two beer or no beer? That's the question.